The Analogy that Finally Helped Me Feel Money Differently
Years ago, in early 2017, Ryan & I were on a weekend trip to Savannah, GA. Sitting outside at a rooftop bar overlooking the water at sunset- Ryan looked up and said some version of, “You should do this for a living.”
“What, drinking?”
(I imagine that’s what I said- funny, right?)
But no. What he was referring to was how perfect the moment felt, how lovely our accommodations were (200+ year old brick townhome with an adorable ivy-bedecked back patio), and how fun the architecture tour had been that day.
In short, I had planned us a lovely weekend getaway.
Fast forward to maybe a week after we got home (see previous post about being action-oriented) and I had a very wonky website built advertising surprise travel getaways. My first business was born: Whisked Away Surprise Travel.
Some of my first clients, finding out they were going to Prague!
What followed was five years of very high highs (multiple clients booking repeat trips, being featured in the Boston Globe, hiring a favorite travel influencer to take a Whisked Away trip and post all about it) and very low lows (Covid, which ended the game).
I had no idea what it took to run a business, but somehow word got out and people started booking trips. I was making money- but the sweet feeling of “I did it!” was always so short lived. More often than not, my high expectations for what I could do fell woefully short. I wasn’t meeting my goals for revenue or number of trips booked despite pushing so hard on social media, in newsletters, paid advertising, etc.
My conclusion? It must be my mindset.
How I Was Raised
They say that 90% of money is psychology (#science) and whether that is true or not, it certainly has felt true for me. I was raised in a middle class home. We always had what we needed and we sometimes got what we wanted- though it was often tinged with talk of buying it on sale or putting something on layaway. I never witnessed joy around spending money- if it was spent, it felt like guilt inevitably followed.
And making money? That required hard work! And even then, after you’ve worked very hard, don’t expect much to come in. Don’t be like (hushed tones) “those people.” I don’t remember ever hearing anyone disparage wealthy people directly, but it was understood that wealth wasn’t something “people like us” aspired to. Other things were more important- namely, love and family.
As if all of those things couldn’t exist together at once.
(I have a feeling that if you’re reading this, you may be nodding along?)
I didn’t yet understand that we bring our childhood money stories into our adult lives and accept them as truth- and they stay that way until we take a clear look at them, and decide whether or not they are still true for us.
I started grasping for resources that could help me change my money mindset. I reached for books like “You Are a Badass at Making Money,” which encouraged me to spend lots of money (even if I didn’t have it) on things like courses or coaches because that was how you showed the universe you felt worthy!
I started pulling tarot cards every morning (still do, though for very different reasons) to figure out what my shortfall would be that day- how I could live up to my highest potential?
On walks with Maya around the neighborhood, I would stare up at the beautiful trees and repeat mantras about abundance, hoping any of it would get me closer to feeling that way in myself.
But of course it didn’t. You know what happened next: 2020. I held on until the fall of 2021- then decided to close the business.
Money As Energy
Those five years of running Whisked Away shone a giant spotlight on my issue with scarcity. And it kept cropping up- as we started (and then sold) a short term rental business, then later as we discovered FIRE and started making our way toward that goal.
Thankfully, I found a meditation and spiritual practice that was rooted in uncovering those childhood scarcity stories and healing them (rather than bypassing those feelings through expensive courses- sheesh!) and I’ve been able to let go of almost all of them.
Usually, they no longer feel true.
But scarcity is sticky, isn’t it? I’ve heard folks I admire say things like, “money is just energy!” or “money is a neutral tool” and I get it, but it also feels a bit dismissive. Ok, sure- money is “just a tool” but we still have to pay the bills, friends!
In thinking about this recently, I decided to come up with an analogy that would help me ground this idea in my body. And it worked! So I’ll share it with you here in case it works for you too:
Think of money as an actual tool- I’m going with a hammer and nails. And your life/goals/dreams? Let’s think of those as a beautifully designed, sturdy-as-hell deck with sweeping views of mountains, trees and a sparkly flowing river.
Now- before I build the deck, I’m going to approximate how many boards and nails I’ll need. I’ll go get those and have them at the ready.
As I’m building this deck, I’m enjoying the creative process of it. I get to glance up every now and then and take in the view, feel gratitude, sit in silence with a cool glass of water.
Here’s what I won’t be doing: counting and re-counting the nails to make sure I have enough for the next few boards.
When the deck is finished, now the real fun begins! I’ll invite friends over to share a meal and enjoy the views, I’ll sit out there with a cup of coffee and my journal, maybe even plop my yoga mat down and do some deep breathing.
Here’s what I won’t be doing: checking how many nails I drove in every five minutes to make sure the deck will hold.
As time goes on, sure- the deck might need repairs. Maybe a board will need to be replaced or I’ll want to add some extra seating. But this isn’t an existential crisis, and it won’t sneak up on me and cause the entire deck to collapse.
Money is a tool. It is hammer and nails. It is necessary to hold things together, but it sure as hell isn’t the view of the mountains.
Validation
You may not need this, but if you do- I just want to say that however you feel about money makes total sense.
If you find yourself checking and re-checking how many nails you have left (financial accounts) out of fear, that comes from a real place.
Or- if you fall on the opposite end of the spectrum and tend to ignore your nails altogether (are we done with this analogy yet?) that makes total sense too- in so many ways, we repeat how our parents did things. If you don’t believe me, start listening to Ramit Sethi’s podcast. Time and again couples talk about how they do money and it is exactly how their parents did it. Eerily so.
And I’m not saying that because I came up with this analogy that I’m now magically beyond all money issues. But- it’s something I can turn to when I feel those anxious feelings start to pop up. Name it, normalize it, move forward.
Question of the day: what were the money stories you grew up with? What did your family of origin say about money? And if you have kids- what messages do you think they are taking away from you? Let us know in the comments below.